You are mean.

I've always been characterized as mean.  I don't know why.  But I do.  I have a short temper.  I am smart.  I am honest.  Because of these three personality traits, I am mean.  And it goes without saying that I most certainly embrace it.

I have no compassion for feelings.  I think this comes from my experiences growing up as an ugly girl before becoming decent to look at.  Being an ugly kid had its advantages.  I got to learn the truth behind the way people treat you based on looks.  Going from invisible to desirable had a negative effect on my perception of society.  It was very difficult to trust anyone because I was never really sure what their intentions were.  And I still feel this way today.  But because I realized early that people may have many different motives for their actions, feelings became irrelevant.  Especially in high school.  One particular person taught me a very valuable lesson.  I was the object of this person's desires.  For 6 months he treated me like the only girl in the world.  He devoted all of his time to getting me to like him.  And it worked.  I was completely infatuated by this person to the point where I was concentrated mostly on him and less on my school work.  But in the end, it didn't work out.  It actually went so badly that I left school for my last semester because of all the rumors that went on about me.  Now I could care less about this mess, but I am making a point about who I am.  I built a very thick shell after this.  This person not only got what he wanted, but his feelings for me were completely irrelevant when it came down to destroying my reputation.  I understood then that people didn't care about my feelings, so why should I?

I'm not going to say that this moment made me become mean.  That is not the case.  I was mean before, and  I will continue to be mean afterwards.  But what happened in that time was a revelation unlike anything I could imagine.  I was confronted with a reality that meant the winners are the mean-spirited, driven, egotistical, selfish bastards that are willing to bring down those who trust them in order to get ahead.  And I knew that no matter what my beliefs are, I had to take feelings out of the equation.  Feelings are feelings, they are not tangible or relevant.

Even today looking back at seven years of my life I wasted, I can say that my feelings for life are the same.  I have a purpose bigger than what anyone can imagine, and I will do everything in my power to attain.  I guess I was just built that way.

But the reason I talk about being mean is because I have been brutally and unjustifiably mean to a number of people that love me.  It got me thinking about why people are mean and why they choose to say the things they do.  This five year old little boy is being nice to me and simply asking me questions about life.  All I want to do is tell him to shut up and watch tv.  Is it mean?  Do I even care?  I have yet to figure this out.  But what I do know is my short temper, my intelligence, and my honesty.  I won't give them up for anything (except the short temper).  I hope this makes sense. 

"Donate to the children's fund?  Why?  What have the children ever done for me?" - Mr. Krab