Bad Religion.

I decided to buy Frank Ocean's album today because for the past four months I have been listening to his station on Pandora and I will continue to listen to it probably for another four months, at least.  I am currently on a "Pink Matter" loop, which is my favorite song.  But I named this post Bad Religion because that song is just as beautiful.  I have so many thoughts in my head and I can't really decipher them at the moment because I have yet to fully understand what is going on.  I'll start with a story.  It's about a boy that is leaving.  He is precious, but he is not willing to accept the obvious truth that this girl might just be perfect for him.  Now these two have completely different beliefs and their plans are essentially different.  One wants to be a wealthy attorney, and the other wants to provide assistance to those without means.  One is a progressive liberal, the other is a moderate libertarian.  One likes baseball, the other hates it.  I could go on about their differences, but the one thing they share is that they genuinely believe in everything that they do.  They are authentic.  Well at least I hope the boy is, but he is still evolving in my mind, so time will only tell.  But there is a problem.  They work together.  They are partners in the sense of providing services to people not as motivated, or maybe intimidated by what's surrounding them, and so they have made a plan to work together.  The problem with this is that they will be together a lot, but not in the capacity that they wish to be.  And because of this, it will only progress to something that will torture both of them, well at least the girl because she knows what she wants, and she can't have it.  So what is the girl to do?  The boy hooked up with another girl, I think, and it broke the girl's heart.  And then he is leaving for two months to a place where the poon is going to be everywhere.  And the girl is simply waiting....for nothing.  The thing is that he was more secure about what he wants he would see what the girl sees.  But someone pointed out to the girl today that he looks like he doesn't know what he wants and why would the girl continue to wait for someone that doesn't show he wants her.  And the girl said, "Because he is worth it."  But is she?  This is what makes my life complicated.  I try to figure out what this girl is going to do, but I end up realizing that she will continue living life and being happy, and doing the things that she loves to do, with the exception of having this boy in her life.  And so in "Bad Religion," my favorite line is, "It's a bad religion being in love with someone who can never love you."  Mind you this girl is not in love with the boy, but it hits her every time.  And not only for that boy, but for the love of her life that destroyed her, destroyed her love, and made her the person that she is today.  And now this girl is afraid when it comes t the idea of love.  And this boy doesn't know what he wants, and the ex-boy is just there trying to love someone that can never them.

My point of the story is simply that life is so unfair, and beautiful because it throws these curve balls that are just more reason to love the fact that feelings exist.  Furthermore, what I have come to realized is that I like someone romantically, and I thought that it could never happened.  And I also know that it hurts when I don't get to see him or I see him with another girl.  And I thank him for that because I am more alive than ever, and I know I can care again.

And as for Frank Ocean's album....it is a stunning masterpiece of music.  The album is fantastic, haunting, lively, beautiful, and heartbroken.  It is life in the purest sense of the word. 

Realization

I haven't written in a while.  And that is because of law school.  I have come to many conclusions based on the life styles that I have chosen.  I am proud and saddened because some of my dreams will not come true, but I have new aspirations and desires that will fulfill other dreams that I have and can be the exit out of this struggle and into the "Good Life" where everyone calls me baby, like T-Payne says. But I have realized that I could never be in the lime light and hold a public government position.  I am too private of a person to want to expose myself to that type of scrutinizing.  So  bye bye Justice of the Supreme Court.  Furthermore, I have come to realize that not every boy wants me.  I found this one that was perfect for me.  But not what I think is perfect, but what I think is not perfect for me, in the sense that he is respectful, nice, and genuine.  Most of the guys I think are perfect for me are assholes.  But this one is different.  And I had a meeting with him today about working together on a project, but he seemed completely uninterested in me.  So new realization, not every boy likes me.  And that is hard for me to take because I am pretty and fit, and a decent woman.  But he just doesn't seem to like me in that way.  And now I am depressed and want to find an asshole again because well assholes like me.  But after being in a relationship for seven years, the assholes bore me, slutty sex with random strangers bore me and I want more out of life.  Maybe my aspirations are high, but that's what law school is for.  Where am I going with this.  Realization.  I have also realized that my goals of acquiring true white person wealth is to make it from them, so now my aim is to do private sector work and make as much money as I can so that I will have my own law firm one day to work for my clients, and create the wealth that only the 1% have.  Because the truth about life is simply that the 1% have always had most of the wealth, looking back at history, and just because the system changed, did not mean that the money changed as well.  People who are wealthy remain wealthy, and the people who want to become wealthy need to think like the wealthy.  And I have decided to no longer fight the struggle, but become a part of it, so that the next generations of my family become spoiled brats in Ibiza yachting with the stars and simply spending the hard earned money I slaved for.  But that is what wealth is all about and I am a creator of it.  If that makes any sense.  But in the mean time, I am going to go have a drink with the person I like and my friend because I have to pretend like my heart is not broken and I am better than this.  But yet here I am writing about this boy because I truly like him, and more than just a one night slutty stand.  All over the place, but cohesive because it is realizing a little truth about myself.  Good night. 

Worst day...in a long time

I've had a bunch of bad things happen to me, but it just seems like the worse happens when I approach a milestone in my life.  This week is my final week to prepare for final exams and I am really prepping.  But I also dealt with soda spillage on my keyboard and someone stealing my license plate and scratching my car because I don't know...I guess I have enemies at the school...mind you its a fucking law school where ethics is taught, revered and expected.  But here, I've had this situation.  I am thinking more about what it all means more than anything.   I am one to think that bad shit just happens because it does, but today it was no ordinary day of bad shit.  It just felt like I was paying for everything wrong that I have done.  It started yesterday with coffee spilling on the floor of my car.  I dealt with it, no problem.  Then I bombed a test for one of my classes, a practice test, but a test nonetheless.  Fine, I will study.  Then the spillage of the soda on my computer.  AHHHHHHH!  Why oh why did this happen to me?!?!? And finally, the vandalism of my personal property and theft of my license plate.  Mother fucking asshole.  MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!! But now I am home, writing on my computer and thankful that my roommates are computer engineers and they have a wireless keyboard that I could use should mine break down, for whatever reason.  So I guess it's not so bad.  On the other hand, I could still be in that other hell of a life I created with the cheating, beating significant other, but you know what, I am okay.  I have been through worse, I'm not going to lie to you; so I will defeat all my adversaries and will continue to thrive because excuses are for the weak, and obstacles are for the strong to climb over and dominate.  Watch me while I dominate.  I can only be me, and me is more than good enough.

Have a pleasant night. 

Je suis retourné...temporairement

In the middle of law school...and I should be studying and working on my outlines, but I figured I take some time and show you that I am not dead, insane, or in jail. 

Well, I have had an interesting couple of months where I have met a number of different people that have made me just more aware of myself.  I don't think I am perfect, and not even close, but what I do seem to have is some grasp on what balance means in life.  People don't believe the things that I do because they don't do them, and it is really sad to see that.  I don't like to lie, and I am an awful liar, so I just do what I do and hope that it's the best choice for me.  Where am I going with this...I don't know.

I can talk to you about the mundane life I have; my classes, which are interesting because of the teachers or the neat people I have met.  But I will only talk about one person.  This person has captivated me, like someone I knew before.  But I know that I must stay away.  I have gone through this pattern of behavior and know that what I want I can never truly have because no one will ever have me, and I want someone like me.  So I am extremely attracted to the assholes, since I am in some sense a bitch, and I will always get hurt in the matters of love because I can't love anyone truly except myself.  Yet I always get tangled in this web of intrigue because I love it.  I am bored with the nice guy, always and fascinated with the out-of-ordinary experience.  I guess Tom Leykis is correct in this aspect.  But what is really interesting is that I do not know how this person feels about me.  I can only assume that I am a little fascinating, but then again, I can be a complete bore to him.  Yes, I said him.  But in the end who really knows. 

I wanted to write this down because I just needed to vent it out.  There is no one that understands my dilemma and will probably never do because nobody is like me.  They may have similar circumstances, but in the end, just in like in every fucking case I read, these circumstances as ALWAYS distinguishable.  You just have to argue it correctly.  So now I am just feeling hot, lonely, and frustrated.  I don't always get what I want, and that really pisses me off.  But what I do know is that I will get him, just like every other person I have gone after because in the end, all we really want is just a taste.  Our curiosity leads us to a series of paths, and even if we head down the wrong direction, we always seem to know where we're going and find our way back to what we really want.  So what do I want? I want to be free.  And that means chaining myself to something so that I know I don't want it.  And if I come across a path that will take me to what I want, well that will make things more balanced.  And if it turns out to be shit, well I can always just run away and start over. 

That's the great thing about life, and people; there are so many that one person is simply just not enough. 

I don't know who's reading this, but hopefully you'll find some inspiration from it.  Or realize what the hell is going on in my head.  Toodles.

America's Woes.

Since I consider this my way of sharing with the world, I wanted to share some things that just came to me.

I've been listening to The Tom Leykis Show and he's currently talking about the economy.  He believes that after the elections, the economy will go down and unemployment will rise again.  And that we need to prepare for the absolute worst.  Tom Leykis was right when the real-estate bubble burst and the banks collapsed, so he will more than likely be right about this as well. 

So what does that mean for the rest of us?  This means that we must conserve and protect our assets as much as we can because we don't really know our future.  I have always been a non-believer in the idea of corporations being the answer to all of our problems.  This belief came when my dad was stabbed in the back by the company he once worked in for over 35 years.  Out of nowhere they decided to move the factory to China and ay off all of its employees.  I won't mention the company, but I will say that it was a precursor to what many companies would be doing and are currently doing now.  It's happening in many industries.  These companies that are "too big to fail" cut costs by downsizing their employment numbers and making their works take all of the grunt work that was left behind in order to continue making money for the individuals that actually don't do anything except make bad decisions and lose more money. 

But this is also the way that it is because of the people.  We the people of the United States, in order to try to form a more perfect union, have given these companies free reign to consume us all because we believed that they had out best interests at heart when in reality they were all fucking us in ass and taking our money.  We let this happen, and for many reasons.  We saw how much money they were making and we said to ourselves, "Hey, I can make that too! It's the American Dream!"  We were also brainwashed by ALL media to believe that it's patriotic to buy McDonalds and subsidize the tobacco industry.  And we all saw how easy it was for the Kardashians to become rich and famous by simply sitting on their fat-asses and watching the fattest one get fucked and pissed on by a black man, and having the mother sell the tape for profit and fame.  We've become dependent on all of this and we are unwilling to actually work hard and become the country we were meant to be: great.  We don't have enough people for the engineering, technological jobs and hire people from overseas.  Why?  Because we don't want to go to school.  We are just so lazy.  And we think we're the bet, which then makes us think that we have it all when we actually don't.  We have stupid people everywhere, and I for one am sick and tired of hearing people complain.  Complain about their jobs, complain about their marriages, complain about their fucking cars, complain about their fucking weight.  Yet they do the same shit every fucking day.  They don't change, and they don't see progress. 

I know I am all over the place, but I am just done.  I will work hard everyday so I won't end up like a fucking loser.  I don't want to work for anyone except myself.  I want to earn every fucking penny and be selfish for everything that I do.  I believe that we can one day be the great country we were destined to be.  It's all a simple matter of switching gears from taking taking taking to providing, contributing, and succeeding.  Until that happens, we will continue to flush ourselves down the shitter. 

American Psycho.

 I just finished watching American Psycho on HBO and I remembered just how absolutely ridiculous and brilliant this movie was.

The story is about a CEO named Patrick Bateman who's also a homicidal maniac.  He's obsessed with his image to every distinct detail, including his physique, his hair, his nails, and even his business cards.  He gets into all of the hot spots and is always seeking approval from his friends, so much so, that he goes out of his way to become other people in his group and make them look ridiculous.  This image he holds so dearly is a facade for the inner killer he has inside.  He dreams about killing, draws about it, and fantasizes about it, all while trying to suppress the urge to kill.

As the story progresses, he begins to lose control of the true person inside and starts going on a killing spree.  He picks up models, prostitutes, friends (mostly girls), and even kills one of the people he associates with.  While this is going on, his girlfriend is completely oblivious to the fact that she may get killed and a cop, who's on Patrick's trail, has no idea that he is sitting in front of the killer.

As he goes crazy, he starts to kill random strangers on the street, blows up two police cars, and goes back to his apartment where he calls his lawyer and confesses to the murders.  He leaves his lawyer a message and then the next day meets with his lawyer.  When he meets with his lawyer, Patrick almost attacks him because he tells Patrick that it was all joke and not to worry about it.  All of the bodies that he hid in a rented apartment mysteriously disappear and he continues on with his life as a CEO and homicidal maniac.

This movie was based on a book from one of my favorite authors, Bret Easton Ellis.  Ellis is known for writing extremely dark and twisted "white America" novels of the rich and glamorous.  I don't know much about his inspiration, but in my opinion, he is spotlighting the sick and perverted things that the rich engage in and get away with because of their money, power, and influence.  They are all a work of fiction, but speaking from a writer's perspective, everything that is fiction is somewhat inspired by real life (even the sci-fi!).  I know I said a lot about what goes on in the movie, but I find it fascinating because of the normalcy that goes on in the movie with the depraved in light living the life of a rich man with no qualms, no real problems, and no consequences.

This is an extreme case, but let's look at it with a real life perspective.  Those with the money do have complete control of the system because they can buy their way out.  Those "too big to fail" corporations of banks, food, real estate and any other god-damned company have this ability to get away with so much because of the money they made at one point and the power they have gained from paying people off.  Even though this film is about the 1980's, when it all began, it's still relevant even today because we are now seeing the equivalent of Patrick Bateman calling his lawyer and confessing to these hideous crimes, only to be bailed out by other powerful individuals and allow him to continue living his greedy, depraved, pathetic life consumed by taking. 

I don't now if that was a political statement or me babbling on.  But what I do remember clearly is in the movie Ronald Reagan is giving his speech on foreign affairs and the four guys are all calling his bullshit.  But that's just an observation.

On another note, there's a little irony between this Christian Bale and the incident that happened for the Batman Rises movie.  Just a small coincidence, I guess.

"I have all of the characteristics of a human being. Flesh, blood, skin, hair, but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust.  Something horrible is happening inside of me.  And I don’t know why.  My nightly blood lust has flowed into my days.  I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy.  I think my mask of sanity is about to slip." - Patrick Bateman

Mexico.

So would you look at this...  I just finished watching the soccer match that will take Mexico towards the gold medal.  I have not been watching the Olympics.  Normally I would be extremely excited because I love watching a few sports that are out of the ordinary.  But this year I am just not that excited.  I blame it on a number of factors, but I'll begin with the worst one.  The fucking summer games are in London.  I don't have a problem with London because I've never been there, but if it's raining more than 50% of the time, the idea of "summer" should be reevaluated for the next Olympics.  A more tropical feel would make these times a little more festive.  The second thing that bothers me is mother fucking NBC and the times they cover the events.  I love watching live action sports and personally do not want to watch things that have already happened.  Because of this, I have just been skipping all of the events and choosing to go to the gym instead. And the third thing are the athletes.  I just don't know any of them and I never got a chance to get to know them before hand.  Plus the advertising was completely awful.  I didn't even know the Olympics were coming on when they did and the only way I knew is because it's the two year mark for the world cup (every two years I know there's an important event, wither Olympics or World Cup).  So I am not in the best of spirits to watch the Olympics.

But some has changed and that was because of Mexico.  I am a big soccer fan and my favorite team is always Mexican or has a Mexican in it.  Their sub-21 team has been unstoppable during the Olympics and have actually dominated their sport for quite some time.  Now they have a chance to win a gold medal, and although I'll be somewhat of a hypocrite saying I'm excited, I am not because anything that has the Mexican soccer team winning is always exciting in my books.  But this is something to be excited for because Mexico just performs so awfully in the Olympics that this is the one chance they may have at winning a gold medal, and to do it with the most popular, greatest sport out there would just be amazing.

I tried looking for highlights, but nothing, so I'll just post the national anthem.