I don't really know what brought me back here. I actually do. I've been wanting to write again for a bit but never got myself to the point where I actually needed to until today. So here I am.
Since the last time I wrote the letter to my abuser, I have graduated law school and I am awaiting results from the bar exam. I am also in a relationship. It's a taboo relationship, one that I never thought I would get myself involve in because of the pain I felt from my previous one and how all things ended. But I've fallen in love. Hard. Unfortunately, the person is unable to share that same sentiment. He's probably in love with two people. Now I am stuck in this situation with a person that I cannot really have because that person has given himself to someone else. Yet, he gives himself to me every day, and when he come to visit, he takes me and makes me his over and over again. Then he leaves.
I feel like a masochist sometimes. Like I live for this type of pain and torture because I can never really just find something simple. He told me today that all I really want is someone to love me. What he doesn't understand that all I really want is someone to love. I have been the type that gives love and doesn't really know how to receive it. That's my flaw. I don't know how to take love and how to expect love. I can only give it. Because in the end, I feel as if I am only capable of controlling my own actions, and not the actions of those around me. I can never ask someone to love me. I don't think I can ask that of anyone, except myself. Am I not worthy of love? Many people would find that question laughable if they knew I was writing this, but at the core of that question is the idea that I may not have the ability to understand what it feels like to be loved. And maybe, just maybe, I never really want to bear that burden. The burden of worrying about someone that loves you is so great, that it is scary. I think about my parents' love for me and it about the only love I can take. And that is still scary in itself. Two people that would give up their lives for you is a big burden on you. And having a stranger feel the same way is a burden too. And maybe that's why I get myself into these relationships with men that are unavailable. These men that are unwilling or unable to love me. I can't handle being loved that much. I can't handle the possibility that someone can love me more than I love them. And I can't handle the burden of disappointing someone because I believe that I will disappoint them at some point and at some time. This may stem from my first and only real relationship, but it just seems inevitable.
Today, he told me that he has no plans in making himself available. I didn't ask him to make himself available. But when he told me this, it felt like I was shocked the core of my heart and nothing but pain came before me. I wasn't expecting this in the morning after we had made love and held each other all night. I was expecting a sad good bye with a big hug, a little cuddling time, and a sweet kiss. Now, I think that things have changed. I don't know that I will leave him. I do know that he's opened a new door to my thought process and he's essentially let me see his thoughts on all of this. And it's scary. Am I to think that he is serious about me? Am I to think that he will change his world and he simply wants me to ask him to do so? Or am I to take his word in that he has no plans to change his life. We project things in a way that makes us less vulnerable in order to see what the other person will say. And in my sick mind, apart of me wants this to never happen again, and the other part of me wants him to change everything for me because I deserve it. I will ruin lives, but I don't care because of the selfish love I feel for him. It's not going to happen and I will continue to keep my mouth shut. And you know why? Because with me, there are no guarantees at happily ever after. I am a person who gets what she wants and then wants more. That's how I am. And it comes back full circle. I don't want to be loved because as soon as I am loved, I want something more. It's always about me. I want to love, I want to feel, and I want to hurt. When I get it, I want more. And that person may not be the person to give it to me. He probably knows it. So he has to protect himself as well.
I will continue to write again. I need it. I want to change my world. And maybe I will again. In the mean time, I will continue to just live and find my happiness.
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