Je suis retourné...temporairement

In the middle of law school...and I should be studying and working on my outlines, but I figured I take some time and show you that I am not dead, insane, or in jail. 

Well, I have had an interesting couple of months where I have met a number of different people that have made me just more aware of myself.  I don't think I am perfect, and not even close, but what I do seem to have is some grasp on what balance means in life.  People don't believe the things that I do because they don't do them, and it is really sad to see that.  I don't like to lie, and I am an awful liar, so I just do what I do and hope that it's the best choice for me.  Where am I going with this...I don't know.

I can talk to you about the mundane life I have; my classes, which are interesting because of the teachers or the neat people I have met.  But I will only talk about one person.  This person has captivated me, like someone I knew before.  But I know that I must stay away.  I have gone through this pattern of behavior and know that what I want I can never truly have because no one will ever have me, and I want someone like me.  So I am extremely attracted to the assholes, since I am in some sense a bitch, and I will always get hurt in the matters of love because I can't love anyone truly except myself.  Yet I always get tangled in this web of intrigue because I love it.  I am bored with the nice guy, always and fascinated with the out-of-ordinary experience.  I guess Tom Leykis is correct in this aspect.  But what is really interesting is that I do not know how this person feels about me.  I can only assume that I am a little fascinating, but then again, I can be a complete bore to him.  Yes, I said him.  But in the end who really knows. 

I wanted to write this down because I just needed to vent it out.  There is no one that understands my dilemma and will probably never do because nobody is like me.  They may have similar circumstances, but in the end, just in like in every fucking case I read, these circumstances as ALWAYS distinguishable.  You just have to argue it correctly.  So now I am just feeling hot, lonely, and frustrated.  I don't always get what I want, and that really pisses me off.  But what I do know is that I will get him, just like every other person I have gone after because in the end, all we really want is just a taste.  Our curiosity leads us to a series of paths, and even if we head down the wrong direction, we always seem to know where we're going and find our way back to what we really want.  So what do I want? I want to be free.  And that means chaining myself to something so that I know I don't want it.  And if I come across a path that will take me to what I want, well that will make things more balanced.  And if it turns out to be shit, well I can always just run away and start over. 

That's the great thing about life, and people; there are so many that one person is simply just not enough. 

I don't know who's reading this, but hopefully you'll find some inspiration from it.  Or realize what the hell is going on in my head.  Toodles.