Self Esteem.

Listening to a few folks talk about self-esteem today, I was completely blown away by the different rhetoric.  And to this instant, I am dissecting this talk in hopes of understanding a little more about my life.

In the morning today I was in a meeting with 10 year-old kids to discuss their current behavior at the place I work at.  They were disrespectful to an extreme degree. The conversation was very intriguing while listening.  I personally had my moment to discuss their behavior to them, which case I was honest to an extreme degree.  My personal run-ins with these kids was never positive, and always confrontational, so I took it upon myself to say my opinions, frustrations, and overall feelings.  I wanted them to know how awful they are, and I think they got the hint.

Following my talk of behavior, I went to an office to where an adult was in my vicinity.  Now I won't mention names because I refuse to get in trouble over this blog, but I will surely continue with some details.  We discussed feelings of kids and their reasons for creating an action based on their past history and knowledge (I was talking about the meeting).  This talk led to a discussion on weight loss.  Let me explain...I go to the gym maybe 4-5 times a week, I ran a marathon, and I have been fit for over a year.  The adult in question goes to the gym maybe 2-3 times a week, two weeks out of the month; walked the marathon; has eating issues, and has been working out for about at most 6 weeks.  Well, this person made a comment about family issues and her inability to control food intake.  She continued to discuss all of her problems with losing weight.  I felt the need to boost her self-esteem by lowering mine.  I told her my "woes" with weight loss, even sharing my weight and my goal weight.  But the truth is I felt sorry for her.  People have such unrealistic opinions about themselves and their actions, which this was the case.  They see losing weight as a quick process; they don't exercise frequently enough; they have horrible eating habits and would like the easiest solution.  And they expect immediate results.  You will never get immediate results. And being fit is a fucking lifestyle that you choose.  By the way, I am more than content with my weight and figure...but I work hard for it, and fat girls try to make me feel ashamed of it. 

Listening to Tom Leykis in the afternoon, he was talking about "fatkini," pictures of fat chicks with two piece bathing suits.  It was absolutely disgusting looking at this website.  And they discussed how their self-esteem is high, even though their appearance is nothing to gloat about.  My personal opinion is that fat people are gross. Obese people are really gross.  The opinion of the show was that you are responsible for boosting your self-esteem, and no one else.  Furthermore, you deserve exactly what you are; if you have low self-esteem, it's your own fault.  If you're fat, it's your own fucking fault.  If you act like a fucking loser now, it's your fault, and you will continue to be a loser until you decide to change. And lastly, there is nothing glorious about boasting how fat you are.  If you are fat and obese, you are sick, you have many toxins in your body, and you are destroying yourself and the generations to come.  

Now I added a little of my own take on the situation, but I would have to say one more thing.  While these three events happen to me today, I was driving home and thinking about self-esteem.  I felt stupid for thinking that I could ever change people.  No one will change unless they change themselves.  And self-esteem won't change unless the person chooses to change. The excuses and bullshit I hear are just ridiculous.  To all the fatties, losers, and overall low self-esteem individuals: make the choice that makes the most sense and will give you the best benefit.  It may be hard at first, but fucking change already.  As of right now what are you?  Will you be the same thing tomorrow, next week, next year?  Change now.  For everyone that has a fucking complaint or excuse: change.  Make the decision.  I can't stress how simple it is, but I hear all this complaining, and I say fucking change it then.

I don't think you get what I am saying, but I hope that you at the very least read the word change over and over again until you consider it.  In the mean time, continue to eat Mc Donalds, shit on people's day, and complain a little bit more, maybe God will listen finally and grant you a miracle. 

CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE

CHANGE.

No Church in the Wild.

What's a god to a non-believer?

 

The marvelous world of Kanye West is in full swing.  I hate to be such a hater and no offense to Jay-Z, but this video screams of West's creativity. 

Ever since the collapse of the world economy, there have been many ways in which the general population has reacted.  In the US, we attempted to form a loosely based protest on Wall Street, but have fallen short of any real change because of our pot-smoking, hippie protesters that refuse to look at our rights for what they're worth, and refuse to take responsibility for a potential cause for change.  In Europe, however, there has been a shift in the mindset of the working class; I would even go far as saying that the paradigm has returned back to the old times where people aren't afraid to rebel against the government.  Specifically speaking in Greece, massive violent protests have sent the country on a political shit storm that may just have severe consequences in the future (they have elected both communists and neo-nazis to their government in hopes of finding a more balance field).  Every country has the right to govern themselves and if they see this as their solution, well so be it.  But if we recall, the chancellor of Germany in the 1930's was also elected after some dire circumstances that eventually led to World War II.  Can we say deja-vu?  Who knows, but in the mean time, we can only sit back and watch in hopes that if a third world war occurs, we have enough supplies and shelter to withstand the nuclear holocaust.

My point is this...The song is reminiscent of the past (because I like history) and of a present where we are starting to realize (hopefully) just to what extent we have been duped by the world government.  And what I mean by the world government is that group of leaders that have single handedly  given the corporations access to all of our rights in an attempt to sell it to the highest bidder.  We have lost our ways, but in the end what is truly a god to a non-believer?  What will happen when we all decide that the government no longer gives a fuck about us?  And what will we do about it?  The power comes in numbers; we may lack brute force, but what we lack we make up in the bodies that can think, choose, fight, and change the world.  And this piece of art is a prime example as to just how lethal a mob of angry citizens can affect change in the government.  It may not be the best idea, but tell that to the Greeks, Egyptians, Syrians, and Lebanese fighting for their basic freedoms and rights.  

I know I mumble a lot, but what the song means to me is more than just a simple chaotic state.  It is a crisis.  And "true crisis is essential for any artistic breakthrough in that it realizes old forms are ill-adapted for a new, changing reality."  Yeah, or something like that.  But just to clarify: I am not an anarchist.  I am agnostic, I am an independent, and I believe that drastic changes needed to be made in the people running our world because if we don't, we all just may crumble in our own facade of bullshit.

Enjoy!

"No Church In The Wild"
(with Jay-Z)
(feat. Frank Ocean)

[Frank Ocean]
Human beings in a mob
What’s a mob to a king?
What’s a king to a god?
What’s a god to a non-believer?
Who don’t believe in anything?

We make it out alive
All right, all right
No church in the wild
[Jay-Z]
Tears on the mausoleum floor
Blood stains the coliseum doors
Lies on the lips of a priest
Thanksgiving disguised as a feast
Rollin’ in the Rolls-Royce Corniche
Only the doctors got this, I’m hidin’ from police
Cocaine seats
All white like I got the whole thing bleached
Drug dealer chic
I’m wonderin’ if a thug’s prayers reach
Is Pious pious cause God loves pious?
Socrates asks, “Whose bias do y’all seek?”
All for Plato, screech
I’m out here ballin’, I know y’all hear my sneaks
Jesus was a carpenter, Yeezy, laid beats
Hova flow the Holy Ghost, get the hell up out your seats
Preach
[Frank Ocean]
Human beings in a mob
What’s a mob to a king?
What’s a king to a god?
What’s a god to a non-believer?
Who don’t believe in anything?

We make it out alive
All right, all right
No church in the wild
[The-Dream]
I live by you, desire
I stand by you, walk through the fire
Your love is my scripture
Let me into your encryption
[Kanye West:]
Coke on her black skin made a stripe like a zebra
I call that jungle fever
You will not control the threesome
Just roll the weed up until I get me some
We formed a new religion
No sins as long as there’s permission’
And deception is the only felony
So never fuck nobody wit’out tellin’ me
Sunglasses and Advil
Last night was mad real
Sun comin’ up, 5 a.m.
I wonder if they got cabs still
Thinkin’ ’bout the girl in all-leopard
Who was rubbin’ the wood like Kiki Shepard
Two tattoos, one read “No Apologies”
The other said “Love is cursed by monogamy”
That’s somethin’ that the pastor don’t preach
That’s somethin’ that a teacher can’t teach
When we die, the money we can’t keep
But we probably spend it all ’cause the pain ain’t cheap
Preach
[Frank Ocean:]
Human beings in a mob
What’s a mob to a king?
What’s a king to a god?
What’s a god to a non-believer?
Who don’t believe in anything?

Will he make it out alive
All right, all right
No church in the wild
No church in the wild
No church in the wild
No church in the wild

Soccer.

I am one of the rudest people I know.  I curse.  I talk shit. And I am competitive.  That's why I have never been good at playing group sports with other people.  But somehow I got convinced that I would be a great addition to my employer's soccer tournament next week.  I don't think that's a good idea considering the organization I work for.  The reason that I joined was to hang out with a new crowd, but I soon come to realize that my mouth is not welcomed, and I can understand why.

Let me give you a synopsis:  I am being told something by someone and my response is, "Why don't you just shut the fuck up!"  Yes, that's little 5'7" Rose in all her glory talking shit.  I hate being competitive because I take everything way too personal.  I try to warn people of my competitive nature, yet somehow they think that I will be an asset to their team.   Guess what; I'm not.  I will not think about you when I play; I only think of me.  So please do yourself the favor and avoid me when it comes to any sporting event that I compete in because I am dirty.  And the worst part is that I am not even good.  I run a lot and I am fit, but that's as far as I go.  I can barely dribble the ball, and I am scared of using my head.  I am not a great player.  But I'm still fucking hot (thank the Greek gods) and I look real good in short shorts. 

But in the end, what it comes down to it.  I feel shameful afterwards because I can't control myself.  I should just smoke sum and hope for the best.  Did I mention there are kids involved?

I should just quit.  But I won't.  I am too competitive to quit. 

The Colorado River.

I couldn't think of anything to write.  I went to Laughlin the other day and got on a boat to ride along the Colorado River.  It was quite a beautiful experience and I would like to share the things I remembered.  I remember....

The time I was heading towards the boat.  I was with a group of individuals and we were headed to the store to buy last minute items.  There was a married couple, which were the hosts of the boat ride; another married couple, the parents of the girl who's married, and four other people.  While we were on our way, the married couple were in the heat of discussion over the amount of items bought at the store.  The wife was upset because she thought he had bought too much food and materials.  But the truth was that she did not want to go to the store, so she sent him without a grocery list; thus, giving her no reason to be upset.  But here they were arguing over the phone and making us all feel uncomfortable.  What I don't get about married couples is their inability to understand that they're bickering makes us all feel uncomfortable.  I cannot stand when people argue and I would like to kick them in the mouths in hope that they will just shut up.  But what I see is the slow cancer that is taking over their love because marriage does that to you.  I know, I switched it, but I don't feel sorry for them or their bullshit.

While on the boat, I was mostly focused on the excitement of the boat.  The wind hit my hair so fluidly, and my nose was so dry; I loved it.  The scenery went from pleasant, to natural, to hot, but all very comfortable.  At one point in the middle of our ride, we stopped to get a splash of the water.  Imagine jumping in a tub full of ice water.  What do you do?  WHAT DO YOU DO?! You swim to the nearest ladder to get the fuck out!  But man did it feel sooooo good!  We did this twice before we went to our destination: Lake Havasu.

While getting to Lake Havasu, I was told by the married girl of the horror stories that happened at Lake Havasu.  One story was that a mom went with her children and decided to hang out by the lake where the jet skis were driving by.  The mom was hanging out in the water; a man fell off the jet ski, the jet ski kept going, and the woman was sliced.  She bled to death.  Another time, a little girls was playing and got lost.  My cousin's friend decided to go to the lake and hang out; he stepped on something on the lake floor, and wondered, "What's this?"  It was the little girl.  And there are many woman walking around with pasties and thongs.  I think I'm making the trip this year for sure.

The rocks in the middle of our journey were gorgeous.  All I kept think was I wish I rock climbed because I would so rock climb these rocks.  But I can't and I won't risk it.  Before that I saw two people having sex in their boat.  Very sexy.

So would I return?  Definitely.  Life is fucking crazy and if I was more insane, I would tell you the whole story.  But right now I'm getting ready to workout.  Because I like being fit and skinny.  And I'm never getting married, so I have to maintain.

Lost in the World - Kanye West.

I'm not particularly fond of this video.  I can already see the negative influence Kin Kardashian will have on his music; I just hope he takes the advice he preaches and moves forward once he's tired of the bullshit. 

What I love about this song is the realness that his lyrics convey in the world that we live in.  Let me share and discuss...

I'm up in the woods, I'm down on my mind
I'm building a sill to slow down the time
I'm up in the woods, I'm down on my mind
I'm building a sill to slow down the time
'm up in the woods, I'm down on my mind
I'm building a sill to slow down the time

[Chorus: x2]
I'm lost in the World, I'm down on my mind
I'm new in the city, and I'm down for the night
Down for the night
Said she's down for the night

[Kanye West:]
Your my Devil, Your my Angel
Your my Heaven, Your my Hell
Your my Now, Your my Forever
Your my Freedom, Your my Jail
Your my Lies, Your my Truth
Your my War, Your my Truce
Your my Questions, Your my Proof
Your my Stress and your my Masseuse
Mama-say mama-say ma-ma-coo-sah
Lost in this Plastic life,
Let's Break out of this fake ass Party
Turn this in to a Classic Night
If we die in each others arms we still get laid in our Afterlife
If we die in each others arms we still get laid

[Chorus: x2]
I'm lost in the World, I'm down on my mind
I'm new in the city, and I'm down for the night
Down for the night
Said she's down for the night

Who will survive in America
Who will survive in America
Who will survive in America

[Chorus: x2]
I'm lost in the World, I'm down on my mind
I'm new in the city, and I'm down for the night
Down for the night
Said she's down for the night

[Gil-Scott Heron:]
Us living as we do upside down.
And the new word to have is revolution.
People don't even want to hear the preacher spill or spiel because God's whole card has been thoroughly piqued.
And America is now blood and tears instead of milk and honey.
The youngsters who were programmed to continue fucking up woke up one night digging Paul Revere and Nat Turner as the good guys.
America stripped for bed and we had not all yet closed our eyes.
The signs of Truth were tattooed across our open ended vagina.
We learned to our amazement untold tale of scandal.
Two long centuries buried in the musty vault, hosed down daily with a gagging perfume.
America was a bastard the illegitimate daughter of the mother country whose legs were then spread around the world and a rapist known as freedom, free doom.
Democracy, liberty, and justice were revolutionary code names that preceded the bubbling bubbling bubbling bubbling bubbling in the mother country's crotch

What does Webster say about soul?
All I want is a good home and a wife
And a children and some food to feed them every night.
After all is said and done build a new route to China if they'll have you.

Who will survive in America?
Who will survive in America?
Who will survive in America?
Who will survive in America?

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy came out around the same time I returned back to the United States from a two year stint in Honduras and when the love of my life betrayed me in the ultimate way possible.  I thought the connection between every song and the way the world was working at the time of its arrival was completely genius and I still do.  This song stuck out to me as one his finest because of the lyrics, the urgency of his beats, and the end monologue that sums up what the late 20's early 30's person is feeling right about now: the realization that dreams can also not be realized and the world is far more complicated than what we imagined and what we were led to believe by our elders.  I find this song to be my current state of mind.  As I attempt to realize my dreams, everyday I feel lost in the world in search of something new and unknown.  The life I thought I was meant to live just does not exist anymore and I am no longer on the path everyone follows.  Where I am heading, I do not know; I don't think anyone knows at this point, but where the path ends I perceive will be completely different than what my parents experience and envisioned for me. 

As for the lyrics, the first part I think refers to life and the people in life.  They are both good and bad and this realization is placed in so many different perspectives, but it always leads to the same conclusion.  And what is our solution?  Find the person who's worth putting up with both faces and just have the best time of your life why you consume this passion until it dies and you move on to the next person.  Then, you die PERIOD. 

And finally my favorite part of the song.  As a History major and a US history buff, I felt a combination of happiness and sadness for the realization that our country, wonderful as it may seem at times, was built on the foundations of taking away and figuratively raping its resources into depletion.  "America was a bastard, the illegitimate daughter of the mother country (England) whose legs were spread around the world..."  This in itself can be connected not only to America but also to the high prevalence of single mothers taking care of children because the fathers are no longer in the picture or are sent away.  It is no longer a taboo to have children out of wedlock, but to connect to the bigger picture, the idea that the US was something wrong has never been brought up in such a "in your face" way to almost reconsider your convictions and beliefs.  And that is so powerful, that it hits the very heart and mind of a person, and that is why I love it.

Like Kanye West, you can hate it or love it, but you feel something and you see this man talking straight from his heart and soul.  Pure genius, ambition, and talent.  Enjoy.

The Tom Leykis Show.

This man has changed many lives, and soon he will change yours.  If you listen (hear, process, and think) then you might be able to get a real understanding of how life works, for the successful, and ESPECIALLY the unsuccessful.

Visit www.blowmeuptom.com to find a great resource!

Love.

Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl that fell in love at first sight.  They spent a good two years completely infatuated with each other in all aspects.  They both believed they had found their soul mate.  Marriage plans were set after the girl graduated from college and they would spend the rest of their lives together pitying all of the other people that had not found love.

At the beginning of their third year, the boy got mad at the girl and pushed her.  The girl got upset and pushed him back.  He got upset even more, dropped her to the floor and began to choke her because he was really upset.  The girl was shocked.  How can her love do such a thing!  Well he blamed her for it; he told her that if she hadn't gotten him upset and pushed him, he would not have gone so far as to choke her.  She believe him stupidly, and continued to love him unconditionally.  The next time, he slapped her after she told him to take out the trash.  It was her fault again because she knew his temper and no way in hell would he let some bitch tell him what to do.  But stupidly again, she accepted him back into her life.  Another time he grabbed her, threw her to the ground, and pushed his knee against her chest.  He told her that if he wanted to, he could kill her then and there.  What did the girl do?  She moved in with him.  She loved him so much that she chose to accept the person she fell in love with her, with all his faults, all his troubles, and all of his bullshit.  The next time, he sexually assaulted her to show her that he was in charge and she was worth nothing to him.  She stayed.  The next time, he slapped her, pushed her, and kicked out in the streets of Hollywood Blvd at 3am.  She came back after he begged her to.  Why?  Because she was stupid.  The next time?  He used a golf club and left a bruise the size of a baseball.  What did she do?  She moved to Honduras with the man because she was completely in love with this man.  While in Honduras, nothing changed.  He took out a knife one time and told her to leave the house, in the middle of the night.  He slapped her, pushed her, hit her, grabbed her, and treated her like shit.  But she continued to stay for another four years before she returned to her mom and dad.  Two weeks after returning, the boy called her and told that he no longer wanted to be with her.  A month later, he called her and told her that he had found someone else and that was the reason he wanted to leave.  Three months later, he came crawling back for forgiveness.  The girl had had enough and told him never to call her, never to contact her, never to think about her again.

This girl is me.  I have had a lot of bad experiences happen to me.  I am fundamentally a different person because I do not trust anyone with myself.  And I don't really regret any of it.  I had a hard dose of reality happen to me at an early age and I hope that my experiences can help others that are going through the same bullshit.  I was a victim of domestic violence, but I was also a perpetrator.  I stayed with this person for seven years.  I should have left after the first sign, but I chose to accept this behavior in hopes that one day the "love of my life" would change.  But it never happened, and I accepted it.  I was so convinced that this person was for me, that I didn't want to leave because I love them.  And the truth is that my parents stayed together through the good and bad, and I thought that was what I was supposed to, so I did. 

I have now come to the realization that our times have changed; both men and women's roles in society have changed.  I don't need to tolerate any bullshit, violence or harm from anyone and I can choose to accept it or to leave it.  I can guarantee that it will not happen again, but what I say is that the past is the past and now is a new beginning.  I am alone, and I am happier than ever.  We live in a society where women can make their own living, and love is a commodity.  So we have to know that we don't need it, and it really doesn't exist in the way we've been taught.  Love costs money, costs, freedom, and sometimes it can cost our lives.  Is it worth it?  I don't think so.  

New Day.

The decision is made.  I started a new blog after a two year hiatus due to unforeseen circumstances I wish to comment on when I feel inspired.  I am writing this blog as a way to get my point across and hopefully meet some like minded individuals, or individuals with minds.  Whether you agree or not is irrelevant.  The point is that you have an opinion and can back it up with knowledge, research, and just fascinating ideas.  I will make my voice heard in whichever way I can because quite frankly there is just not enough intelligence in the media that can make us understand that we are all being played.  We are all being conned by many different things because that is what makes people do the things that they do.  Whether it be getting married and having babies, watching pathetic TV shows or simply numbing yourself with ignorance to avoid the truth of what is really going on in the good and dark side of the world, I am tired of watching people just live their lives without some knowledge.

Now I know that I am not the smartest person in the world.  I also know that I don't know all of the facts.  But what I do know is that I have the capacity to find out what I can and make something out of it.  I also know the difference between what is right and wrong.  And finally I know there is a wide spectrum of "gray" that falls between the black/white feeling of right and wrong.  Until we can figure things out completely, which will be never,  we can only attempt to make sense of what we know.  In the meantime, let's enjoy ourselves, learn something new everyday, and prosper.