It's been a long time.

I don't really know what brought me back here.  I actually do.  I've been wanting to write again for a bit but never got myself to the point where I actually needed to until today.  So here I am.

Since the last time I wrote the letter to my abuser, I have graduated law school and I am awaiting results from the bar exam.  I am also in a relationship.  It's a taboo relationship, one that I never thought I would get myself involve in because of the pain I felt from my previous one and how all things ended.  But I've fallen in love.  Hard.  Unfortunately, the person is unable to share that same sentiment.  He's probably in love with two people.  Now I am stuck in this situation with a person that I cannot really have because that person has given himself to someone else.  Yet, he gives himself to me every day, and when he come to visit, he takes me and makes me his over and over again.  Then he leaves.

I feel like a masochist sometimes.  Like I live for this type of pain and torture because I can never really just find something simple.  He told me today that all I really want is someone to love me.  What he doesn't understand that all I really want is someone to love.  I have been the type that gives love and doesn't really know how to receive it.  That's my flaw.  I don't know how to take love and how to expect love.  I can only give it.  Because in the end, I feel as if I am only capable of controlling my own actions, and not the actions of those around me.  I can never ask someone to love me.  I don't think I can ask that of anyone, except myself.  Am I not worthy of love?  Many people would find that question laughable if they knew I was writing this, but at the core of that question is the idea that I may not have the ability to understand what it feels like to be loved.  And maybe, just maybe, I never really want to bear that burden.  The burden of worrying about someone that loves you is so great, that it is scary.  I think about my parents' love for me and it about the only love I can take.  And that is still scary in itself.  Two people that would give up their lives for you is a big burden on you.  And having a stranger feel the same way is a burden too.  And maybe that's why I get myself into these relationships with men that are unavailable.  These men that are unwilling or unable to love me.  I can't handle being loved that much.  I can't handle the possibility that someone can love me more than I love them.  And I can't handle the burden of disappointing someone because I believe that I will disappoint them at some point and at some time.  This may stem from my first and only real relationship, but it just seems inevitable.

Today, he told me that he has no plans in making himself available.  I didn't ask him to make himself available.  But when he told me this, it felt like I was shocked the core of my heart and nothing but pain came before me.  I wasn't expecting this in the morning after we had made love and held each other all night.  I was expecting a sad good bye with a big hug, a little cuddling time, and a sweet kiss.  Now, I think that things have changed.  I don't know that I will leave him.  I do know that he's opened a new door to my thought process and he's essentially let me see his thoughts on all of this.  And it's scary.  Am I to think that he is serious about me? Am I to think that he will change his world and he simply wants me to ask him to do so?  Or am I to take his word in that he has no plans to change his life.  We project things in a way that makes us less vulnerable in order to see what the other person will say.  And in my sick mind, apart of me wants this to never happen again, and the other part of me wants him to change everything for me because I deserve it.  I will ruin lives, but I don't care because of the selfish love I feel for him.  It's not going to happen and I will continue to keep my mouth shut.  And you know why?  Because with me, there are no guarantees at happily ever after.  I am a person who gets what she wants and then wants more.  That's how I am.  And it comes back full circle.  I don't want to be loved because as soon as I am loved, I want something more.  It's always about me.  I want to love, I want to feel, and I want to hurt.  When I get it, I want more.  And that person may not be the person to give it to me.  He probably knows it.  So he has to protect himself as well.

I will continue to write again.  I need it.  I want to change my world.  And maybe I will again.  In the mean time, I will continue to just live and find my happiness.

A Letter to My Abuser.

Dear Carlos,

On Thursday, I hurt this boy name Kyle.  He was a nice boy that treated me with respect.  I hurt him.  I thought I should tell you this because I feel like I am numb to other people’s pain.  And this may have something to do with the abuse I endured in our relationship.  I still think about it, five years later.  I think about the golf club that you used to hit me.  I think about the time you sexually assaulted me in the bathroom of our West Hollywood home.  I think about the time I had to climb out of the third story balcony in our Sandy Bay home to get away from you.  I think about the time you took out a knife.  I think about the time you called my sister to pick me up because you didn’t want to deal with me anymore.  I think about the time Joanna saw my nose and knew that I was getting hit.  I think about my pain.  I think about my inability to love.  My cold heart. 

And maybe this has been me all along.  Maybe I have always had an inability to love.  But I thought I loved you.  I thought you were my soul mate and I would spend the rest of my life with you.  And I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t marry you.  I had to leave you.  You were going to be the death of me.  If I stayed with you, I would have died.  And I wanted to live.  I wanted to go back home to my family, to real love, to the people that love me.  You didn’t love me.  You hated me.  I don’t know why, but you did.  And I tried to convince you otherwise, but that just made you angrier.  And I even helped you find your father.  I knew that it would be wonderful.  But you still abused me afterwards. 

I see you have a new person in your life.  I hope she is treated with respect, love and admiration.  Meanwhile, I am alone and happy.  I am unable to love, but I am generally happy with myself.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to love anyone.  Maybe that life is not for me and I am destined for something else, something greater.  God knows I try to best at work, school and the gym.  But there is something missing in my life that I have yet to fill.  That is love.  Everyone tells me I am a catch.  Everyone tells me I am brilliant, beautiful, sexy, funny, and just a very nice person.  But I am alone.  And I can help but wonder if that is my fault.  Or your fault.  It’s been five years; one would think I would be over it, but I am not.  I am not over it and I don’t think I will ever be over it.  I am okay with that.  I think I just need to be more honest with myself and feel this pain. 

I am a survivor.  And I have every right to feel this way.  I have every right to be sad, and to want to be alone because of what I went through with you.  But I can change that and I will.  You no longer control me and I don’t love you anymore.  I want to find someone that will treat me like the catch that I am.  I want to be someone’s queen.  Not yours though.  And today I will start being okay with that.  Today I will make the change for the better because you no longer own me. 

I forgive you.  I am letting go.  Carlos, you are forgiven. 

RA

Suit, no tie.

Have you ever seen yourself in the mirror and know that who you are is the person you are meant to be?  That happened to me today.  I went to work at the firm, and I was dressed in suit, no tie, and just felt like I was in the clothing I am meant to wear.

You see when I was young, I really didn't want to be famous, I didn't want to be a model, or even a wife.  I wanted to be a lawyer.  And now I am in the second year of my law school career wearing my suit, no tie, and I just feel like myself.  It's crazy because my life three years ago was of a lost little girl thinking her life was over because of a boy who left her.  Now, I am a woman who is at the top of her game and just taking care of herself, not worried about anything except my work and my family.   Once I graduate, I will have the third and final thing to worry about, and that is my money. But in the mean time, I will enjoy every moment with the people around me.

So I listen to Justin Timberlake "Suit and Tie,"  I think of all of the boys at my school looking fine with the suit and ties walking around campus.  There are two in particular that I would love to just get on the floor, good lookin.  But now I'm walking around with my suit, no tie and I hope that when I do walk around, everyone seems me and think, "Damn gurl...you fine! And dat ass!"  Because bro, I lift and squat, so my body be rockin!

I had to put it out there since I am overall just very proud of myself and the changes I have made in my life.

So I will continue to show a good thang life.  I hope you all do the same.  In the meantime, it's a celebration, bitches!

Bad Religion.

I decided to buy Frank Ocean's album today because for the past four months I have been listening to his station on Pandora and I will continue to listen to it probably for another four months, at least.  I am currently on a "Pink Matter" loop, which is my favorite song.  But I named this post Bad Religion because that song is just as beautiful.  I have so many thoughts in my head and I can't really decipher them at the moment because I have yet to fully understand what is going on.  I'll start with a story.  It's about a boy that is leaving.  He is precious, but he is not willing to accept the obvious truth that this girl might just be perfect for him.  Now these two have completely different beliefs and their plans are essentially different.  One wants to be a wealthy attorney, and the other wants to provide assistance to those without means.  One is a progressive liberal, the other is a moderate libertarian.  One likes baseball, the other hates it.  I could go on about their differences, but the one thing they share is that they genuinely believe in everything that they do.  They are authentic.  Well at least I hope the boy is, but he is still evolving in my mind, so time will only tell.  But there is a problem.  They work together.  They are partners in the sense of providing services to people not as motivated, or maybe intimidated by what's surrounding them, and so they have made a plan to work together.  The problem with this is that they will be together a lot, but not in the capacity that they wish to be.  And because of this, it will only progress to something that will torture both of them, well at least the girl because she knows what she wants, and she can't have it.  So what is the girl to do?  The boy hooked up with another girl, I think, and it broke the girl's heart.  And then he is leaving for two months to a place where the poon is going to be everywhere.  And the girl is simply waiting....for nothing.  The thing is that he was more secure about what he wants he would see what the girl sees.  But someone pointed out to the girl today that he looks like he doesn't know what he wants and why would the girl continue to wait for someone that doesn't show he wants her.  And the girl said, "Because he is worth it."  But is she?  This is what makes my life complicated.  I try to figure out what this girl is going to do, but I end up realizing that she will continue living life and being happy, and doing the things that she loves to do, with the exception of having this boy in her life.  And so in "Bad Religion," my favorite line is, "It's a bad religion being in love with someone who can never love you."  Mind you this girl is not in love with the boy, but it hits her every time.  And not only for that boy, but for the love of her life that destroyed her, destroyed her love, and made her the person that she is today.  And now this girl is afraid when it comes t the idea of love.  And this boy doesn't know what he wants, and the ex-boy is just there trying to love someone that can never them.

My point of the story is simply that life is so unfair, and beautiful because it throws these curve balls that are just more reason to love the fact that feelings exist.  Furthermore, what I have come to realized is that I like someone romantically, and I thought that it could never happened.  And I also know that it hurts when I don't get to see him or I see him with another girl.  And I thank him for that because I am more alive than ever, and I know I can care again.

And as for Frank Ocean's album....it is a stunning masterpiece of music.  The album is fantastic, haunting, lively, beautiful, and heartbroken.  It is life in the purest sense of the word. 

Realization

I haven't written in a while.  And that is because of law school.  I have come to many conclusions based on the life styles that I have chosen.  I am proud and saddened because some of my dreams will not come true, but I have new aspirations and desires that will fulfill other dreams that I have and can be the exit out of this struggle and into the "Good Life" where everyone calls me baby, like T-Payne says. But I have realized that I could never be in the lime light and hold a public government position.  I am too private of a person to want to expose myself to that type of scrutinizing.  So  bye bye Justice of the Supreme Court.  Furthermore, I have come to realize that not every boy wants me.  I found this one that was perfect for me.  But not what I think is perfect, but what I think is not perfect for me, in the sense that he is respectful, nice, and genuine.  Most of the guys I think are perfect for me are assholes.  But this one is different.  And I had a meeting with him today about working together on a project, but he seemed completely uninterested in me.  So new realization, not every boy likes me.  And that is hard for me to take because I am pretty and fit, and a decent woman.  But he just doesn't seem to like me in that way.  And now I am depressed and want to find an asshole again because well assholes like me.  But after being in a relationship for seven years, the assholes bore me, slutty sex with random strangers bore me and I want more out of life.  Maybe my aspirations are high, but that's what law school is for.  Where am I going with this.  Realization.  I have also realized that my goals of acquiring true white person wealth is to make it from them, so now my aim is to do private sector work and make as much money as I can so that I will have my own law firm one day to work for my clients, and create the wealth that only the 1% have.  Because the truth about life is simply that the 1% have always had most of the wealth, looking back at history, and just because the system changed, did not mean that the money changed as well.  People who are wealthy remain wealthy, and the people who want to become wealthy need to think like the wealthy.  And I have decided to no longer fight the struggle, but become a part of it, so that the next generations of my family become spoiled brats in Ibiza yachting with the stars and simply spending the hard earned money I slaved for.  But that is what wealth is all about and I am a creator of it.  If that makes any sense.  But in the mean time, I am going to go have a drink with the person I like and my friend because I have to pretend like my heart is not broken and I am better than this.  But yet here I am writing about this boy because I truly like him, and more than just a one night slutty stand.  All over the place, but cohesive because it is realizing a little truth about myself.  Good night. 

Worst day...in a long time

I've had a bunch of bad things happen to me, but it just seems like the worse happens when I approach a milestone in my life.  This week is my final week to prepare for final exams and I am really prepping.  But I also dealt with soda spillage on my keyboard and someone stealing my license plate and scratching my car because I don't know...I guess I have enemies at the school...mind you its a fucking law school where ethics is taught, revered and expected.  But here, I've had this situation.  I am thinking more about what it all means more than anything.   I am one to think that bad shit just happens because it does, but today it was no ordinary day of bad shit.  It just felt like I was paying for everything wrong that I have done.  It started yesterday with coffee spilling on the floor of my car.  I dealt with it, no problem.  Then I bombed a test for one of my classes, a practice test, but a test nonetheless.  Fine, I will study.  Then the spillage of the soda on my computer.  AHHHHHHH!  Why oh why did this happen to me?!?!? And finally, the vandalism of my personal property and theft of my license plate.  Mother fucking asshole.  MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!! But now I am home, writing on my computer and thankful that my roommates are computer engineers and they have a wireless keyboard that I could use should mine break down, for whatever reason.  So I guess it's not so bad.  On the other hand, I could still be in that other hell of a life I created with the cheating, beating significant other, but you know what, I am okay.  I have been through worse, I'm not going to lie to you; so I will defeat all my adversaries and will continue to thrive because excuses are for the weak, and obstacles are for the strong to climb over and dominate.  Watch me while I dominate.  I can only be me, and me is more than good enough.

Have a pleasant night. 

Je suis retourné...temporairement

In the middle of law school...and I should be studying and working on my outlines, but I figured I take some time and show you that I am not dead, insane, or in jail. 

Well, I have had an interesting couple of months where I have met a number of different people that have made me just more aware of myself.  I don't think I am perfect, and not even close, but what I do seem to have is some grasp on what balance means in life.  People don't believe the things that I do because they don't do them, and it is really sad to see that.  I don't like to lie, and I am an awful liar, so I just do what I do and hope that it's the best choice for me.  Where am I going with this...I don't know.

I can talk to you about the mundane life I have; my classes, which are interesting because of the teachers or the neat people I have met.  But I will only talk about one person.  This person has captivated me, like someone I knew before.  But I know that I must stay away.  I have gone through this pattern of behavior and know that what I want I can never truly have because no one will ever have me, and I want someone like me.  So I am extremely attracted to the assholes, since I am in some sense a bitch, and I will always get hurt in the matters of love because I can't love anyone truly except myself.  Yet I always get tangled in this web of intrigue because I love it.  I am bored with the nice guy, always and fascinated with the out-of-ordinary experience.  I guess Tom Leykis is correct in this aspect.  But what is really interesting is that I do not know how this person feels about me.  I can only assume that I am a little fascinating, but then again, I can be a complete bore to him.  Yes, I said him.  But in the end who really knows. 

I wanted to write this down because I just needed to vent it out.  There is no one that understands my dilemma and will probably never do because nobody is like me.  They may have similar circumstances, but in the end, just in like in every fucking case I read, these circumstances as ALWAYS distinguishable.  You just have to argue it correctly.  So now I am just feeling hot, lonely, and frustrated.  I don't always get what I want, and that really pisses me off.  But what I do know is that I will get him, just like every other person I have gone after because in the end, all we really want is just a taste.  Our curiosity leads us to a series of paths, and even if we head down the wrong direction, we always seem to know where we're going and find our way back to what we really want.  So what do I want? I want to be free.  And that means chaining myself to something so that I know I don't want it.  And if I come across a path that will take me to what I want, well that will make things more balanced.  And if it turns out to be shit, well I can always just run away and start over. 

That's the great thing about life, and people; there are so many that one person is simply just not enough. 

I don't know who's reading this, but hopefully you'll find some inspiration from it.  Or realize what the hell is going on in my head.  Toodles.