Dear Carlos,
On Thursday, I hurt this boy name Kyle. He was a nice boy that treated me with
respect. I hurt him. I thought I should tell you this because I
feel like I am numb to other people’s pain.
And this may have something to do with the abuse I endured in our
relationship. I still think about it,
five years later. I think about the golf
club that you used to hit me. I think
about the time you sexually assaulted me in the bathroom of our West Hollywood
home. I think about the time I had to
climb out of the third story balcony in our Sandy Bay home to get away from
you. I think about the time you took out
a knife. I think about the time you
called my sister to pick me up because you didn’t want to deal with me
anymore. I think about the time Joanna
saw my nose and knew that I was getting hit.
I think about my pain. I think
about my inability to love. My cold
heart.
And maybe this has been me all along. Maybe I have always had an inability to
love. But I thought I loved you. I thought you were my soul mate and I would
spend the rest of my life with you. And
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t marry
you. I had to leave you. You were going to be the death of me. If I stayed with you, I would have died. And I wanted to live. I wanted to go back home to my family, to
real love, to the people that love me.
You didn’t love me. You hated
me. I don’t know why, but you did. And I tried to convince you otherwise, but
that just made you angrier. And I even
helped you find your father. I knew that
it would be wonderful. But you still
abused me afterwards.
I see you have a new person in your life. I hope she is treated with respect, love and
admiration. Meanwhile, I am alone and
happy. I am unable to love, but I am
generally happy with myself. I don’t know
if I will ever be able to love anyone.
Maybe that life is not for me and I am destined for something else,
something greater. God knows I try to
best at work, school and the gym. But
there is something missing in my life that I have yet to fill. That is love.
Everyone tells me I am a catch.
Everyone tells me I am brilliant, beautiful, sexy, funny, and just a very
nice person. But I am alone. And I can help but wonder if that is my
fault. Or your fault. It’s been five years; one would think I would
be over it, but I am not. I am not over
it and I don’t think I will ever be over it.
I am okay with that. I think I
just need to be more honest with myself and feel this pain.
I am a survivor. And I
have every right to feel this way. I
have every right to be sad, and to want to be alone because of what I went
through with you. But I can change that
and I will. You no longer control me and
I don’t love you anymore. I want to find
someone that will treat me like the catch that I am. I want to be someone’s queen. Not yours though. And today I will start being okay with
that. Today I will make the change for
the better because you no longer own me.
I forgive you. I am
letting go. Carlos, you are forgiven.
RA
